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Get-set-Go



When I was a toddler, her word was the ultimate truth. Dad didn’t know Math, Bro didn’t know sport, Uncle didn’t know medicine, Aunt didn’t know music, Granny didn’t know Tamil... She was all-knowing and her affirmation alone stood my test of truth. Until she started using the word “NO” and a few other similar phrases and words. She said I couldn’t stay back late after school, I thought she didn’t trust me enough. She wanted to know more about my friends, I called her nosy. She asked me to be up at 6 am for Badminton practice, I thought she was evil and torturous. She asked why I  didn’t finish first in class, I told her she was pressurising me. She asked me to practice my steps a little longer, I vetoed. She forbade select company and I vented at her controlling nature. She asked to pity the rude, I called her naive. She advised to ignore cynics, I told her off. She was always home when I got back from school, I was sad that she didn’t have a cool career. She checked on us in between every evening class that she taught, I wanted to shrug her off. She cooked lettuce, I refused the meal. She insisted that she would oil my hair every week end, l thought I would never be independent. She left me alone for a week and I cribbed that she should have stocked the refrigerator better. She asked that I call every evening from hostel, I asked to be given some space. She didn’t leave breakfast on the table one day, I was irritated that she didn’t do what she usually did. She offered to find me a house, I found it intrusive. She worried over my health, it depressed me further. At every point, while I realised the foolishness of my past reactions, new actions and words antagonised me. I know that she sought to protect my childhood- but I yearned for freedom. She sought to nourish my body- I didn’t care. She sought to challenge my mind- I gave in to my ego. She sought to develop my skills- I perceived control. She sought to inculcate effectiveness- I shielded my thoughts. She made herself available- I rebelled with solitude. She packed in a week’s worth in a day- I chose to ignore her versatility. She aimed to make me worthy, I hope I get there someday! 

Now faced with imminent motherhood myself, I have choices and decisions to make.  For sure, most will totter down the path she chose herself. It's a break from a 'career'. By the looks of what i read in the papers everyday, I know I will be paranoid about my tot's company. For the amount of junk food lying around, I might just not let my child venture to any supermarket. I take pride in a great lineage- I only hope I don't impose it on my own. For a person for whom cooking 4 or 5 different meals a day (no more office canteen!) seems like a huge challenge now, raising a child with good manners, a pleasant demeanour and a cheerful personality seems herculean. But am I prepared to face the consequences of my decision or do I fear a similar barrage of reactions? Do I suspend my anxiety with the pacifying thought that realisation will dawn one day on my own tot as it did on me? While I now recognise the emotion behind every one of her actions, should I toughen myself to dispel similar beliefs? Generations will be different, will my mind be open to change? Will I ever GET prepared for every reaction, SET my expectations low and GO ahead with my decisions, head held high? 

At the risk of reiterating the cliche that has been forwarded a zillion times every Mother’s day, but what the hell! My mommy strongest :)

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