Tanzerin

We Indians are always boasting about all the number things that we invented: the Zero for example has been our primary source of  pride at multinational gatherings. But why did no one ever document Baby mathematics or for that matter baby physics, it's a huge chapter! 1.Baby's energy is always inversely proportional to mother's energy. 2. g> 9.8m/s (why do you think newborns can't move?!) 3. At 6 months, you wish g>>9.8m/s but it reduces to what seems like 4 m/s (she was right here.Where did she go?!) 4. Have you learnt "A stationary object will remain stationary until acted upon by an external force"- Sorry.  " A stationary object will be smothered in drool and will go kaput until acted upon by an adult". 5. The shortest distance between 2 points is a line segment joining them? Only if there are 3 of her favourite toys, the TV remote and an expensive cell phone lying at varying distances between these 2 points. 6. infinity to the po...

Motherhood takes you back to your own childhood they say. Obviously I don't remember what I did as a 6-month old  and I am not going to believe what my bro says I did (doesn't make me look very sweet and adorable), but there are things from long ago that somehow stick in the back of your head. Things we did and didn't do, things the others did, things we were not allowed to do and still did. Six of us, plus or minus a few every now and then. Making 'poisonous' concoctions from tree sap. Being the "Joker" during daily cricket matches. Chicken pox (March through June, all of us taking turns) Mangoes from the 'Padri' tree. Climbing the water tank to look at the "thumbs Up" Hill. Playing in the rain. Dark room with glow worms. Hide and Seek during Power outage (someone always wanted to pee badly when hiding!) Compulsory Ooty and Kodai trips with the mamas. Patti. Ghee rice and Veg Kurma. Chapatti and Bhindi. Mangoes-letting the...

Daddy J: Ooo nice tattoo (at a model on TV) Mommy J: I thought you didn't like tattoos. Daddy J: Well.... Mommy J: What if your daughter goes and gets a tattoo?? Daddy J: She won't. She'll be a good girl....and even if she does, it will say " I love Daddy". Daddy J: You bloody buffalo. Can't you find any other place to stand and talk on the phone. You're blocking the damn road. Mommy J: Your daughter is going to call everyone buffalo if she hears you say it. Daddy J: No she won't. She'll be a good girl...and say'dear Mr. Buffalo please move.' Mommy J: It's Friday night. You think the lil one is going to be a party animal? Daddy J: No No. We'll take her to the temple every Friday. Mommy J: Temples close at 8. Party time starts only after that! Daddy J: Uhmm..ok...uh.... it's ok. she can party! Mommy J:(stumped) really???? Daddy J: Ya I'm cool with it! I love partying too. I'll go out with her friends as we...

Early motherhood is a game of patience- and it isn't always the baby who's testing yours. IS the baby crying? She is hungry! The single most annoying thing on your eardrums- it is almost like an automated sentence from all and sundry the minute your little one squeals or squiggles. Smile Smile "She won't cry if don't hold her like that crushing her tiny tummy with your humongous hands." So sad she's crying. What are you doing here?? (accompanied by  a ghastly 'you are such a monster' look) "I am whiling away time and trying to see how long she will cry before i go deaf. And it takes me more than a nanosecond to drop what I am doing and get across the room!" Why is she crying like this? Something is wrong with her. "May be she needs change of scenery. Get a hint???" Why are you crying baby? Look i'll dance for you. No? Ok I'll show you a doll. No? ok I'll sing for you. No? Why is she crying? "She...

"Girl aa?" very good very good! Goddess Lakshmi has entered your home pa..very good very good. Congratulations. Fair only no?! Of course she will be fair only. If she takes after S patti and M thatha, she can be fair only no!Who does she look like? Wait... She has hair on the head no?! Lots or less? It's ok if it's little less now..After the Pazhani mottai it will come... then she can have long thick hair- lovely braid it can be! o Again, who does she look like? O like both of you?But who does she look like more? Tell Tell.. Don't be diplomatic pa..ok anyway I will come and see her.. Of course babies keep changing. Now they will look like the mother, then they will look like the father, then after few years, they may look like grandfather or grandmother's cousin. What to say- it is all ever changing! Ha ha ha.... Anyway pa..all the best to you now. You have become a father and now you have added responsibility!Ha ha..very good very good! Hmm...It is girl also...

10 things they taught you in Biology class that you thought were true. 1. The human body requires 6 to 8 hours of sleep. * Hah! 4 hours and you are good to go (The doctors are not going to be changing nappies or feeding the beby). 2. Darwin's theory of evolution says "Survival of the fittest". * Fit or not, you will need to survive sleeplessness. 3. 45 minutes of exercise 5 days a week will keep you fit as a fiddle. * Changing nappies = tummy crunches    Trying to make baby sleep = 2 km walk + torso exercise + weights    Entertaining baby = 30 minute dancing lesson    Feeding baby = core muscle strengthening That's about 1200 minutes of exercise 7 days a week- the shape is still round! 4. Babies sleep for about 20 hours a day. * Where is the sub-clause telling you that those hours are split into packets of 20 minute naps and that it takes 30 minutes to get the baby into a 20 minute nap. 5. The human body is tuned to working during the day...

The long journey of the growing belly has ended and whatta journey it has been. I always wondered why no one ever talks of labour to a pregnant woman (of course unless you derive sadistic pleasure out of explaining the gory details) but isn't it better to expect the worst and end up with something not as bad?! Or maybe not! After the many weeks that seemed to never end [Weeks 38 through 40 seemed to last longer than the previous 37] I realised that my vocal chords can make loud screechy noises even though I had promised hubby dear that I wouldn't screech. Any way I don't think he dared to remind me of my promise after I shouted at the unassuming nurse for telling me to turn from my right to left side [in my defense, even turning is quite painful]. After what seemed like many longggg hours of horrendous pain what I saw in the form of a baby was a milky white uhm baby and the only thing I could think of was...NO not "Oh! I am a mother" but "why is an Indian ba...